Postcards

enormous baby steps...

2005-10-23T21:27:00.000-04:00

it has been about a year now since sharon - well a year ago i would have been at about the hardest place in my life - am i frozen there now? am i willing that step? or am i making that step through force....is there a difference? she still exists inside me somewhere....buried beneath bows and ribbons....she still screams....i just don't allow her to communicate it to you.....because underneath it all she knows that you know.....but she's going to be the one to tell you that...i want to say that things are swell and that moving and having a job has fixed me....has transformed me....but i'm still her, just a little more busy is all....and sometimes i wonder if i still am her for some unknowable reason to me to have a problem - am i creating this to have a wound - to be wounded so that i don't have to be perfect? - for revenge? so that after all the less of mother growing up can somehow put a burden upon her so that she will know that she hurt me? is that fair?? do i care? do i forgive these people and him and HIM and just let it go? it is a kind of forgiveness that i do not want to be a part of because when i feel like i say "i forgive you" that at the same time i'm condoning the act -

ashamed of it all....

2005-09-01T21:34:00.000-04:00

i'm so ashamed and so sickened by what is going on in our country right now. there is no one to blame except us as americans, myself included. no one is going to the aide of these people in new orleans and mississippi. they are dying and being left to die in the streets. what hurts me the most is when i see the videos of the elderly...people who can't take care of themselves and don't have others to look after them....babies at least have a chance....elderly people are left with no water and no food with temperatures in the 90s? it is not right - it makes me so sad and angry because i know how easily any of those could be my grandparents....and if i had to see a video of my grandmother dead in a wheelchair with a blanket covering her, pushed away off the street...i'd be devastated. there is no reason for this suffering, it has been five days, over one hundred hours and still there is no relief. We as americans, or Bush, can send troops into Iraq but yet we can't defend our own citizens? we can't protect them? damn bush....he must be making a buttload of money off of this...gas has rose .50 cents a gallon. I looked at statistics and found that in america we use around 714 million gallons of oil a day (that is sickening in itself)...but with the price increase of fifty cents, it means that somewhere somebody, or a bunch of somebodies, is making around an extra 357 million dollars a day. - why can't that money be given to the people of louisana or mississippi? why doesn't anyone federally seem to have a friggin clue about what is going on in this nation?? - these pictures and videos are so disturbing - i know that we stupid americans are so spoiled and don't even understand what suffering is - but i think that is because we are able to help ourselves and i don't understand why we aren't doing that now -

the flaming lips

2005-08-30T19:08:00.000-04:00

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!! Benefits and salary and it's what i want to do!!! today has been one of the best days since I've moved to the 'burgh. My doctors finally came through with my medications too so I can sleep again!! yay :)

the pictures and videos from the hurricane damage are frightening - it seemed to level and destroy everything in it's path or else drown it with flood waters...

I helped to facilitate the freshmen orientation on sunday at school - it seemed weird because i felt so old even with only being an alumni for two years - it's odd how time passes and you don't seem to notice it unil there is a distant marker that can remind you of the present

keep your fingers crossed

2005-08-23T09:39:00.000-04:00

today is my second interview with for the adventure based counseling position at the drug and alcohol center. it's at 2pm and takes about an hour to get there so i gotta get ready pretty soon. I'm really nervous. I need this job and I know that I can do it and that I will love it. It's totally what I want to do...i just gotta convince them of that. keep your fingers crossed for me.

fire thought she wanted to be water instead

2005-08-14T19:08:00.000-04:00

well i'm moved in pretty much....i like it here - the neighborhood is nice...roommate is great...friends are around...yet something still is pulling me somewhere else...i do horrible during this times of adjustment...and i'm freaking out that i'm going to freak out again which only makes me freak out more - crazy..........

so i went to church with some friends last night - i know - me, church? but it's true - i did go. I went a few weeks ago with them as well only during the sunday service and not the saturday night thing - i was so nervous, i thought i was going to fall out of my chair - i really dunno what held me there...then the double nerves came when i realized they do the whole communion thing on saturdays too - i went up but shook my head at the communion and just took a blessing - hey there's a first time for everything right? though shaking my head just labeled me as being non christian or unbaptised or both - which is what i am...but i think i was just about the only one who didn't take it - oh well. anyway after that there was a dinner thing - it was great - i love hanging out with these two friends because i feel so well cared for - i think that is kind of a stupid reason to want to hang out with someone but it's the truth - i feel totally worthy in their presence - i don't know - it's kinda cool -

today was spent doing odds and ends sort of stuff - went grocery shopping, walked to barnes and noble for the paper, made a list of jobs to contact for tomorrow and things to do - nothing to exciting - but its good to have a schedule, gives me a reason to get up -

Where troubles melt like lemon drops....

2005-08-02T21:41:00.000-04:00

some excitement on the homefront. i think i found a place to live and it's in pittsburgh! :) yay. Also I'm going in for an interview at a treatment center for an adventure based counseling position. Can life get any better? indeed it can :)

i'm feeling pretty good lately - and that is awesome. I don't know when I have felt better about myself and what i am supposed to be doing in this world. it is amazing how much better one can feel when one has nowhere to go but up. I talked to my old therapist yesterday - and i think i pretty much shocked them all when i walked in and was happy. They were really proud of me and it just made me feel pretty proud of myself too -

now it is time to do some more papers so i can get my master's!!!

sweeeeeeeeeettttt day

2005-07-28T21:32:00.000-04:00

today rocked my socks off. we did a staff training and we were in the air for 3 hours! it was awesome - i did the entire 12 ft course - i was so exhausted after i took a nap for a couple hours - but it was a great day - lots of games and fun and no limit testing kids!! :) sweet!!!

well i'm currently in contact with a place near pittsburgh about a job. cross your fingers for me as i really need something at this point. about 12 more days till i get ejected from my apartment- it is scary in a way because i feel so far away from where i was last year at this time but i understand how quickly i can return to that if i let myself - so i'm trying to stay on the positive :) YAY! - lots of work to do that i'm having trouble finding the motivation to complete but I'm sure it will get done - it usually does - i'm thinking that if i don't get this job i may take a break and do some traveling - it would be great to take some time to go visit friends that i haven't seen in awhile - fun stuff -

Canada

2005-07-24T16:01:00.000-04:00

how come whenever you sort of get adjusted you have to start something else? I have to leave my apartment by Aug. 10th - and i'm sort of lacking another place to go right now - I also have 7 papers due by Aug. 5th - and two jobs the between the both of them I work about 12 hours a day. So times are a little stressful.

I returned last week from a sea kayaking trip up at the Georgian Bay in Canada. It was for a leadership class - my last and final class in the master's program. It was a very good class (but extremely hot) and I learned a lot about my leadership styles and how it affects followers. It is amazing what people can tell us about ourselves - things that we think we can hide so well are so obvious to others. I just need to finish up papers for all the classes I took this summer and for my practicum and i will be finished :). This is pretty sad in a way, as I have spent the past four years with these people and have grown pretty attached to them. I will still see them, but it will be weird leading without them.

i've been looking for a job that can pay me enough so I don't have to work 12 hours a day. Hopefully one will turn up soon - as far as moving, I think i'm going to head back to NY until something turns up in terms of apartments or roommates.

Wish me luck :)

They say that your demons can't go there

2005-06-28T14:10:00.000-04:00

Well it's been awhile since I've posted. Work keeps me busy all day, almost everyday. Had class the last few days, it went well, was a lot of fun, but left me feeling as I normally feel after a class such as that. It was a group development class and I was constantly having to force myself not to become attached to anyone in the group because I knew I wouldn't see most of them again. sometimes forcing yourself to not become attached only makes those feelings grow that much stronger.

I haven't seen my therapist in probably a couple months now. The doctor is prolly going to yell at me tomorrow but I don't really care. I just care that they keep prescribing the meds so I can sleep, get up, work, and go to bed.

I gotta make some decisions soooooooooonnnnnnn...................

trying to be cheap never works

2005-05-19T16:08:00.000-04:00

so i've lived without cable and internet access for the better part of a year...really don't miss the t.v. but now that the college is all but closed for the summer it is getting impossible to live without internet. i was only trying to save a few bucks as the cable is $30 a month and internet is about the same. it worked for awhile but i think i'll just have to suffer without.

I'm doing restraint training this week for my job. nothing to great a fun but i am going to have a big paycheck because of it. I start my new job at the computer place on monday (REALLY not looking forward to having to wear business atire) - i think the world would be much happier if we could all just wear jeans and t-shirts.

my friend from texas has been up for the week so i've been trying to spend time with her. her parents just got a new puppy and it's the cutest thing ever. i want an apartment the allows pets. but mine just allows pests.

anyway...8480 - did you check out that book? honestly - you won't regret it.

A series of misfortunate accidents

2005-05-12T12:08:00.000-04:00

I drove to my parents home in New York on Saturday with my sunroof still being called the ghetto bomb. As I approached their house there was this huge strip in the road that I hit at about 70 mph and literally came off the pavement. As I screamed shiiiiiiiittttt I realized maybe that I should test out the sunroof - I did, and it closed - WHOO HOO!!! However, it turns out my wheel bearing is shot and so I had to go get that fixed on monday morning. I borrowed my dad's truck for monday afternoon and was driving down a city road when I woman tried to pass me on a single lane street - turns out she tried to pass me as I was turning left and she collided with my dad's back bumper - This friggin old lady gets out of her car and starts screaming at me - finally i called the police and they came - no one got a ticket but my dad's truck is messed up - so I basically broke my sunroof, shot a wheel bearing, and ruined the back of my dad's truck in a matter of a couple days. fun times.

I stayed at my parent's till tuesday night and got in around one in the morning. nothing to exciting happened at home besides all the car issues, played some bocci ball with the family - yesterday i had therapy, was an hour early and stood around for awhile. a behavioral health center is a really interesting place to people watch - definitely see all kinds - but i really think it's helping me, i can feel a change in my thinking about myself - I worked last night and we facillitated the younger boys - i can't believe how much anger they have - well i can, but you can actually see it - they were fun kids but frustrated real easily.

I've been reading "Empire Falls" by Richard Russo - he is a brilliant writer - I say this because the book is one that I would like to just read in one day BUT it is written so that you have to take the time to read the details - he makes you want to read the details - I think that that is a great characteristic for a writer - plus his charaters seem very alive and real - I have another book of his call "Straight Man" which I did start at one point but never finished. I'm going to reread that after I'm done with this one.

blasted piece of crappppppppppp

2005-05-03T15:21:00.000-04:00

my friggin car is on my last nerve. friday the sunroof got stuck in the angle position - wouldn't move anywhere, no noise no nothing - just stuck - the dealership wouldn't look at it till monday so i closed the little screen thing that's inside the car and shoved a towel in between the screen and the angled blasted roof - good temporary fix. so monday i take it to the dealership where they look at it and then at me and say "we thought you meant that you didn't know how to close it" - what the hell, i know i'm a girl that knows nothing about cars but i do know how to shut a sunroof - so they tell me they can't fix it and to bring it back today - so last night it rained once again - once again i have a little puddle in the car - I took the car in this morning and they looked at it and the worker guy got it to move from the angled position to the wide open position and then proceeds to tell me that it's gonna take 4 hours to take the headliner out of the car so they can fix the damn thing - that's 4 hours at $65 an hour!!! i was like uh hell no. So I get in my car to leave and realize that now the screen thing won't close because of the position and it rains like friggin hell all the way back to my apartment - so now the towel idea no longer works so i ran to walmart, bought a plastic tarp thing and some good duct tape and bingo - we have the "ghetto bomb" - which is what i have now named my car - never by a car with a friggin sunroof - more trouble then it's worth - piece of shit -

how do i help

2005-05-01T19:17:00.000-04:00

why is this happening...just when i had a stable grasp on the world...just when i could clutch a cloud in my hand...it melts away to raindrops again....and i'm left soaked with the world....

drained from my own shit and now this
i can't help her out of this alone
because i don't have the strength to help me

Freedom

2005-04-28T13:14:00.000-04:00

I'm almost finished with classes for this semester. I have one test and one group project to finish for next week and then i'll be done!! yay! :) i presented my hour long conference last night and it went suprisingly well. I really wasn't that nervous despite the amount of people that were there. yay!

I've been getting so stressed out lately about friends. One of my friends told me about an eating problem she's been having. Cept she doesn't want to talk about it. I don't know how to help her if she won't talk and i'm not sure i'd be able to help even if she did. She's so far away and so I can't even really be there in person for her. I just wish she could see the damage it can cause and go get some help. But i totally understand how hard it is to admit to yourself that your behavior is a problem. I wish i could do more. I talked to my therapist about it. She says i can't let other people's behavior effect mine, which i constantly do. But i also can't help it. This friend is like an extension of myself, and so it's so hard to see her struggling. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and make it better but i know that no such wand exists, not in religion, and not in reality.

I've got another friend that I can't seem to nail down the exact nature of the friendship. Sometimes i wish that I could know and understand whether we are friends or not. It gets kinda frustrating.

I work today at the Adventure Based Counseling. I really like this job. It's at a school for adjudicated boys. Some of them are pretty bad, but they are still fun to work with . They are definitely a challenge.

Will donate for free food

2005-04-25T20:57:00.000-04:00

I donated blood today and got some free coke and pizza and cookies. That was great. Totally worth the blood donation.

My research for my hour long presentation on wednesday is not going so good. I really don't know if it is procrastination or what but i can't seem to pull much together, not anything that is going to last for an hour anyway. I'm thinking about showing a clip from The Lord of The Rings and doing an activity - but i have to relate play to expedition stress somehow. keep your fingers crossed for me.

I have to go see Kathy tommorrow. I'm not sure what to talk about really. My life has been, thankfully, stable these last few weeks. I guess there was that episode a few weeks ago, but other than that i've been feeling rather healthy. Which is good. I'm trying not to stress about august to much but it has definitely been on my mind. I'm not sure where to go or what to do after all this is over, and i'm not sure i'll have any money to go anywhere to do anything. I wish we lived on a barter economy - that would rock!

Barnes and Noble nightmare

2005-04-24T22:59:00.000-04:00

So i went to barnes and noble today to get a little different atmoshpere than the amish life. every where i look, all day, almost every day, there are amish. sometimes i feel like i'm living in that television show, Dr. Quinn - though there really weren't amish in that show. Back to Barnes and Noble - we had a bit of a freak snow storm here today and so driving there wasn't too bad i was just having a little wiper trouble and had to pull over every couple miles...one would probably have thought, why didn't you turn around?....well i'm the adventureous type - so got to barnes and noble and couldn't find the books i needed for my presentation. that kinda sucked. but i did manage to find lots of other books that i spent time reading and had nothing to add to my project. I left barnes and noble no further than i was when i got there and with about 6 hours of solid procrastination time.

Procrastination = really lousy presentation

2005-04-21T23:01:00.000-04:00

In the history of my worst presentation's ever this one ranks right up there among number 2 i think. It really isn't smart to procrastinate till the last minute to add slides to your already crappy presentation. It was really lousy - funny thing is though, the prof had already given me an A in the class back in February. So I didn't have much motivation for this presentation. Luckily i knew none of the people i presented in front of and most likely will not see them again. so that is the good news.

I've got work to do this weekend - monday i've got a test and project due, tuesday a project, and wednesday an hour long conference to present. fun fun times.

I played the piano for a long time tonight. I haven't played in awhile and it was nice. it is so peaceful, so calming. It is one part of my life that i feel totally in control and i also feel like it totally controls me - it's weird but there is definitley connectedness there -

Procrastination Queen

2005-04-21T13:12:00.000-04:00

I know there are many people out there who claim to be the "worst" procrastinator in the world - i however may top that - i may be the procrastinator queen - it is true - i do wait to the absolute very last minute to begin projects and papers - i do thouroughly hate myself during those very long brain consuming periods when i must do nothing else but the work that i have put off all semester - but i also thouroughly enjoy the time when i'm doing nothing else but procrastinating - in fact, right now i am procrastinating - i have a 30 mins speech to give in 3 hours and haven't begun, no powerpoint slides, no index cards, no nothing....i think i'll wait till about 3:00 to start because it is really nice outside and i can't waste the day - My best procrastination times were last year when i waited till the last month to start a capstone that was supposed to have been started about 9 months previously - i didn't sleep much in the month, and almost didn't graduate because of it - but i did get it done -

road trip extravaganza

2005-04-17T19:17:00.000-04:00

i went to chicago this weekend to see Tori. it was a really good show and we had pretty good seats. They are no longer giving away the front row seats as joel has now left her :( - very sad. But like i said it was a great concert - she covered Joni Mitchell and Elton John - pretty interesting and very good!! rock on tori!

We also visited the Chicago Art Museum. I'm not one for looking at artwork on a wall but they had lots of interesting stuff from many different cultures. Some of it wasn't like paintings hung on a wall so that was really neat. They had the "American Gothic" painting there as an exhibition - i took a picture of it with my phone and it's now my background. We also hit up the Adler Planetarium - there was lots of stuff to do there and we had a grand (what a great word) time. My aunt had left passes for the museum so we got into them all for free. It was fun. Last night we played basketball with my cousin - it was a blast!!! though i don't play very well, we still had a great time.

Now i have tons and tons of work to do and don't want to do any of it. I have a 2 projects due on tuesday and one due on thursday. Then three projects due next week. fun fun stuff -

i gotta figure out what to do after august - my lease runs out around the 15th??? and i have no idea where to go after that. I wish i had some money to travel with - at least to get started - but hopefully at some point i'll be able to travel the world.

celebrate your top tens in the charts of pain

2005-04-10T15:35:00.000-04:00

you don't need a space ship
they don't know you've already lived
on the other side of the galaxy

this weekend/week was pretty stressful...i'm feeling pretty guilty and don't know what to do with that guilt....i'm not sure it is my guilt to own and i'm not sure that i am owning it but regardless i still feel that sharp edge saying you did something wrong...plus all the stuff that happened yesterday at the ropes course has left me feeling a little scared.....i realize guilt is something you should be able to control but i almost felt guilty for not being punished and so i punished myself...wrong choice....provided instant relief but not long enough...i was doing really well too...almost two months.....then today i got yelled at by the apartment man....not yelled at but made feel guilty....so much guilt...much decision making whether or not i need some things in my life that are making me feel guilty....and how to withdraw from those things....i'm ready for my new wilmington life to be over and for a new stage to begin...i'm not sure where it's going to be...but i'm ready for that to happen if it can....

i jump down to look up
at the sunset above
24 hour revolution
with so much change
i anticipate the next minute
and let this one diminish
forever waiting for it to arrive
forever searching for it
i do not know how i will know it
when it is found
but i do know it
has been lost

is it daylight savings time?

2005-04-03T00:07:00.000-05:00

I have a feeling that tonight is daylight savings time but am not really sure - I found my site linked from a UK site - rock on to the UK person - your site was pretty cool too

- i haven't been doing much - hanging out with maddie all day today as it is snowy and rainy and cold - i did get a new aquarium for benny, he shall be happy now - i have to go feed him tommorow and then bring him back to school - it will be fun to have him around. I have a lot of work to do but don't feel like doing it - i have two more presentations, two more individual projects, 1 group project, and a bunch of reading - lots of stuff -

dark lights and confessions

2005-03-25T21:31:00.000-05:00

i guess today is good friday though what that means, i'm not really sure - is it the day christ was crucified? i'm not sure - good friday doesn't mean much to me now nor has it ever - easter doesn't mean much to me just as it has never - pagans celebrate easter as a festival - a day of ritual - a day of thanking the earth and the sun - it still means nothing to me

"why are you here again?" she asks
i offer a confession
that He does not see me
as i do not see others
that He has given me to him
"the orchard misses you, we miss you" she explains
it dies under my touch
confused about whether apples
are more of a fruit than oranges
"if i hadn't come here things would be different" i say
"things are the way they are supposed to be" she counters
i hold my tongue
tired of fighting
tired of wondering why i can't submit
why He can't understand
that i want to be left alone
that i ache to know the comfort
i felt that spring
when we worshipped more than i ever had
but betrayal presented its cloak to me
staring at the backs of those who were good
who pronounced me evil
i could see the difference
i could never be what they were and are
dear god i ignore you because i can't be that
because i can't be them
i know there is a clear diffence between them and me
i know it because i try to make it larger
because in those 10 seconds of betrayal
they supplied years of hurt
god i look beyond you because i can never live to those expectations
i look for something who can accept me
when i cannot
i look for something that can heal me
when i am not whole
i look for something that can stay for always
when i am alone
i look for something that can provide relief
from this dreadful guilt
i know god those kids were right
i can never be what they are
i can never be enough when i have to fill someone elses expectations

i guess the early bird really does catch the worm

2005-03-24T19:32:00.000-05:00

i had to get up really early this morning...well early for me...around 7am to go get a drug test. my sister came with me and then we went shopping for a little while - we did so much before noon that it was incredible!!! i have forgotten the point of getting up early as most of those daylight hours seem perfect for sleeping -but when you do get up and actually stay up - it's amazing! i wasn't very productive on my school assignments but it is still pretty early so hopefully i can get some of that done before i get tired-

it was great to have kate here for a little while because we just have a lot of fun hanging out - i am so excited for april 15th and chicago!!! yay yay - i don't know if there will be anymore front row shows though because joel quit!! after like 12 years he quit - come on joel - she hired some guy named smitty who looks huge from pictures - doesn't look very approachable - we will see - anyway we got box seats for the show so still good for visiblity - i think we are going to go to m&g too to chat it up with tori for a bit - fun times.

i've been slacking off in my reading - but the library is closed so it is hard to get some good informative books - not that the library has many but it does offer a few from a very biased perspective -i guess today is good friday?? i'm not sure - i can't remember if that is before or after easter - actually i think today is thursday so that isn't right- well it must be tomorrow then or something -

today is the day

2005-03-23T11:45:00.000-05:00

a woman i knew ended her life last week....i was with her at sharon in december...she was to be sent to warren but appealed it...i wonder if the outcome would have been different if she had gone...i wonder if her getting kicked out of passages..i wonder if the outcome would have been different if she could have stayed...i feel pretty angry at her...pretty angry at the system...and sad for her family...but for some reason those feelings give me a reason to be here...a reason for life...it isn't about what you accomplish or who you know..it's about how you know them and how you accomplish things or don't accomplish them...it's about being grateful...it's about love...it's about enjoying the simple things and being appreciative of the hard things...it's about taking risks to enjoy yourself to allow yourself to live...it's about making a difference even if it just a little one...i'm sure she made a difference in her son and daughter but i bet her death made a bigger difference...

kate is coming here tonight and leaving tomorrow for jekyll with jeff...i haven't been back to that place in five years...i might road trip it down there for a couple days in a couple weeks...i guess i will see it in november for the wedding...

gratitude list
i'm grateful for:
1. life and being alive
2. being in school and having the ability of getting an education
3. people believing in me even when i don't see it or believe
4. growth

30 more minutes

2005-03-14T16:07:00.000-05:00

every finger in the room is pointing at me...i wanna spit in their faces, then i get afraid what that could bring...i got a bowling ball in my stomach...got a desert in my mouth...figures that my courage would choose to sell out now...

i have to give a presentation in 30 minutes...i was already sick once - it's just a nine minute presentation...i don't know why i have this huge fear of them...scary stuff it is...i have to give 2 thirty minute presentations and one hour long talk by the end of this semester and i can't handle 9 minutes...it's even fun, it shouldn't be too boring but like wow it scares that crap out of me...i just have to be confident is all after the first two minutes i'll be fine - i know this, its those first two minutes that are killers - i don't know how teachers do it because i don't think i could stand up in front of everyone and teach all day - i give them a lot of credit...

life is pretty good...i watched Finding Neverland on friday - it was really really good but really sad which i wasn't expecting...everyone in the theatre was crying by the time it was over...the girl next to me kept passing me kleenex - how kind...but it was definitely worth it - i thought it was pretty interesting-

spring break begins on friday - well wednesday night for me - i'm not sure what i'm going to do - i think i may go hang out in buffalo for a little while and then come back for awhile - i've got a lot of stuff i need to get finished over this break and i never do it at home. maybe i can go skiing or something too, that would be fun. Benny is coming back to live with me! yay finally a roommate and companion - okay well he's just a frog but still - he's getting pretty old now -around 12 years old i think - never thought when i bought him at ten that he'd still be alive when i went to grad school -

i have therapy on thursday which is good cause i've got much to talk about...i'm actually looking forward to it this time which is a definite change for me...i have to see the doctor again to i think...i'll probably find out on thursday....

time for presenting! yikes.........

so afraid she'll be what they never were....

2005-03-11T13:57:00.000-05:00

jimmy wants me to move in with him after school. i guess it wouldn't be so bad, he's willing to do this so it could be alright. i just worry about the past with him -

maybe i'll just become a nomad for a little while...that could be alright too...i really get frustrated because i don't see the point of this life or life at all....i don't understand...and i don't find the answers in the books i'm reading...there must be a point, a purpose....i wish i had a crystal ball so i could see into the future and know the direction i should be heading if i should be heading in any direction. i wish i were a tree instead of a person sometimes - trees have purposes - they provide oxygen and shade - i on the other hand serve no purpose to anybody

my world will change

2005-03-08T12:02:00.000-05:00

life is really stupid. pointless if you think about it - what does it matter in the end? who really cares - it's not really fair either - i think, well i wonder if democracy isn't the best way to run a country - like i wonder if there is another form of government that hasn''t been named yet that would be perfectly suitable -

sophia made us in yaldaboath's image so that we could destroy what he made because after he made creation he said "i have no need of anyone" - she was angry - and so she made us as tools for destruction - which is basically what we are doing - that story makes sense to me - because we are killing each other and yaldaboath's creation day by day - we just ignore most of it - i just ignore most of it - but i don't know, that makes sense to me -

those boys that smile kindly....then rip your life to pieces...

wandering about -

2005-03-07T15:13:00.000-05:00

i'm not very good at routine i've realized...i like doing something different everyday....i'm tired of routine...tired of school...my whole life i've been in school....that is pretty crazy when i think about...well 3 years weren't..but then preschool and kindergarten...weird....kate stopped yesterday....we had dinner and hung out for a bit.....it hurts so badly when she leaves because i've already betrayed her....she's proud of me for nothing and that kills....

i'm sick of myself...sick of my life....sick of it all...it's pointless and will never amount to anything - jesus especially with this attitude -

this little pill in my hand...that keeps the pain living....

i wonder if i'm not an illusion...if i exist...if i cannot be here...i want to run....i want to take my car and go...leave all of this behind...run from nightmares and meds and people...i want to meet a desert father and worship the earth....i want to dance with the pagans and smoke opiuim with the indians and chant to buddha...and worship zoroaster....i want to be able to recite the psalms as well as i can recite the gnostic bible...i want to perform spells and pray to god....i want to know mother earth as my creator and know the theories of chaos....i want to much...i'll never get any of it and even if i do where will i be....i hate this

and i can't see new york...

2005-03-01T18:28:00.000-05:00

i feel like an imposter today....like this life is not mine....that i just sort of manage it...i have no control over it, i have no control if i walk out in the street and get hit by a bus or if i buy a lotto ticket and win millions....is it luck? is it fate? or is it conincidence and chaos?...chaos makes sense because it is the easiest to define - nothing is controllable, one movement here will earn a host of reactions there - it's too big for me...i'm tired of defining it...i'm tired of living it...i want to own my life...i want control...i want to know the future....too bad my friggin crystal ball is always broken....

i did get a hold of the doctor today and i get a new round of meds - yay yay...more seroquel...i gotta go in tomorrow, hopefully to get a lithium level so i'm not toxic. my mom wants me to go off all the meds, just to quit therapy and the doctor - she's convinced the depression is part of the methylprednisolone - she just has never wanted to believe reality - perhaps i'm too much like her now...

water waist high
shivering birds
move on
fish are sentenced to freeze
injustice with wings

we need cleanup in aisle 4 please

2005-02-28T19:09:00.000-05:00

i'm running out of seroquel at an amazing rate....p-doc is never going to give me another precription for this stuff....i slept almost 17 hours last night....i increased the reccomended dosage but hey....we all gotta sleep...

class sucked ass tonight - i hate this fill in teacher - grad school should be an independent study - i dunno what my future holds after august - i'm really not to concerned though - i was thinking about moving to canada - something about that place - maybe i'll move to a little deserted island and when my food supply runs out, i will pray to the gods for more - that'll test ones faith when they don't supply-

the hours that divide the seconds

2005-02-27T23:31:00.000-05:00

"look at the man", she whispers to me...."you gaze and he's gone".....i look westwardly at the man.....but he's already descended...

lots to tell...donating blood was almost a disaster as the woman asked me what happened to my arm - i told her nothing and she called this other guy over - i pulled my sleeve down and told her to take it from my right arm - she just shrugged - left a nice bruise though - oh well...home was home as it always is - i spent friday with my father and actually didn't want to kill him by the time it was over, so that was good - friday night with my aunt....so sad...my tracy is getting so old....she didn't even come to me when i called her....she doesn't even respond to my petting...she was my dog for awhile...so sad...she's so thin and old....i wanted to take her back with me.....saturday was spent at the bridal boutique place thing...luckily kate promised me that morning that i wouldn't have to try anything on, unfortunately i did....luckily it was just quickly and no one said anything to me...yay...went to the imax in rochester saturday night and saw a special about shakelton's expedition - it was pretty interesting, my mom is way into it - today we saw the lion king at shey's - it was a really good show...i saw it in toronto before but it was still really powerful...the art and creativity is amazing - hung out in the b-town for a little then went back to bethany for supper - and i decided to come back to school tonight because it was supposed to get pretty crappy tomorrow - i also have much to do for classes - therapy on wednesday i think...i may cancel, i don't really feel much like going -

parasol is stuck in my head - when i'm the seated woman with the parasol....i'll be the only one you can betray....when i come to terms, to terms with this...when i come to terms with this....i have no need for a sea view....for a sea view i have no need.....

stuck right in my head -

the seated woman with the parasol

2005-02-24T12:49:00.000-05:00

earth, fire, air, water....north, south, east, west.....sacred circles and the ghost dance....shamans and pagans....this is my call....it will all belong to me....

i read about Jonestown last night, read the whole book actually....quite interesting...Jim Jones knew people, that is for sure - knew what people were searching for, and could give that to them and enforce it with punishments - i wonder how easily i could get sucked into something like that- and i wonder if i would want out once i started to realize he was just a madman - just a very good leader with a very bad cause - but it was all about people who weren't satisfied with their faith and could gather and recognize that in others - made a community - but then their lives were ripped to pieces along with their families- i wonder if the families felt betrayal, how the churches dealt with it because it was basically about the inadaquancies of the church system- i feel sorry for Jim Jones. because had he pursued good, the god of light and good, he really could have done something for religion. instead he did something else for religion and left some 900 people dead.

i'm donating some blood today and then going home for awhile....fun times - good tunes on the way - kate bought tickets this morning for chicago - yay yay less then 2 months

invisible darkness - look to samael

2005-02-22T23:06:00.000-05:00

new tori cd today. 19 new songs. incredible and brilliant. it seems as though she has lost her dark days of torturing the piano but has gained power in lyrics. maybe i wouldn't say she has lost her dark days - i think she's just less angry now. April 15th is the Chicago show, going to road trip it with kate. She's looking at wedding dresses today and says we are going to go to the bridal store on saturday. one big huge problem there. sleeveless. not invisible. i'm going to have to come up with a good reason quickly why i cannot go - or maybe just don't want to try things on - maybe i'll get a tattoo and say that would irritate....what..i can't do that - irrational. it's going to be disasterous if my mother plans on going too. they will send me to chicago for sure - i guess i'll be there for tori anyway. she will be disappointed if i don't go with her...maybe i don't know...maybe i can just look at something and say i like it but not try it on...it's bad enough it's a fucking dress but sleeveless...ideas?

where do we go when we just don't know

2005-02-22T11:09:00.000-05:00

perhaps the silence
lends a welcoming hand
an escape into a land
where truth is now
and yesterday wasn't your reality
where you can exist
because if you don't speak of it
no one can ask you about it
and then it didn't happen
you can pass it off through daily duties
wash the dishes, do your homework
go to bed
which you also avoid
because reality exists in sleep
except heavily medicated sleep
fit only for a span of 15 hours
only you will wake either from dreams
or the anticipation of them
so you read, travel to other people's realities
where your past is their present
and you exist among others
until one of them sees their silence
in yours
and a tiny voice calls out to be heard
and your hushing and quieting
serves only to make it louder
and the pain seers through with the words
you worry it has left its brand on you
but it hasn't, it has only been heard
and you may let it out again
or you may not
the dreams may become
easier to control
and the nights may become shorter, or not
but the voice within has been heard
and silence can't hold your hand

t-day soooooooooonnnnnnnnnn

2005-02-21T13:26:00.000-05:00

okay, reliable source says matt nathanson is to be the opening act for all tori tours this spring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how sweet is this??? pack up the car, grab the corn chips and reeses pieces it's time for a road trip!!!!! yay yay yay new album tomorrow!!!!!! it's a tori extravaganza

these precious things, let them bleed

2005-02-19T13:07:00.000-05:00

i'm feeling like absolute crap today. there should be a big warning about mixing benzo's and seroquel and lithium and cymbalta. whoa. i don't even remember last night. i must have passed out somewhere between 6:30 and 7:00pm. i woke up on my bathroom floor at noon today. i feel like crap. i'm going to go home i think. sounds like a good plan.

snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes

2005-02-18T12:46:00.000-05:00

spun, like a confused compass
i walk dangerously close to freedom
i don't need to know north to find my way
all it takes is a little gravity

i talked to carrie last night about peak, plateau, and nadir experiences. she told me how those relate with self transendence. the self transendence allows one to open to Maslow's experiences - i was wondering what it would be like to be transended all the time - carrie didn't really think it was possible but said some people work to achieve that throughout their day. interesting.

i didn't do too much last night - i talked with kate for a little, and carrie for a long while, and jimmy for a little bit. i don't remember really going to sleep but i woke up at 4:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. possibly the two diet cokes i had could have influenced that. i need to get some juice. needless to say, getting up at 4:30am doesn't mean you are ready to start your day by 7 - it just means you are freakin annoyed by 7 when you are still awake.

i was thinking about going skiing but i don't know if it is the right snow or not...gotta check that out.

g - list:
i'm grateful for:
1. the snow we got - it's february, not time for spring yet
2. that my car didn't get stuck in the parking lot!!! yay :)
3. that i have half my outline done for the research paper!!!

somethings just don't make sense

2005-02-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

i worked on my research paper till about 4:30am this morning. i couldn't read any more articles at that point. so i decided to go to bed, except i read a book for an hour. i can't read articles but i can read a book? oh well. I got up at around 11 and finished up the notecards by noon. Kate sent me the Ben Folds Live cd - quite excellent except i'm sooo envious of his piano playing abilities. he's good. I'm reading "I know why the Caged Bird Sings." For some reason i have never read it before. I think i read about half of it yesterday - it's quite easy to get sucked into.

i also started reading Anatomy of the Spirit - i like it - it's actually pretty interesting - i've read about the tree of life, the hindu chakras, and the christian sacraments. the author interlinks them all together finding seven "powers." it's just interesting how those interact with our physical health.

i talked to my grandma last night - she wants to go shopping but no one will take her. damn family - i told her to ask my mom and she's like, she's always too busy - i was like story of my life grandma. i have to let that go i guess - it won't change, she'll always be too busy - she has her good qualities though, i mean she does stuff for charities, she does leadership programs in the community - at family therapy she said she "had to work." that she did it for herself, she needed it. i told her that kate and i needed her too - she didn't say anything! i think i'd be able to let go a little more if some people accepted some responsibility. it's just not fair that she can't even spend some time with her own mother - though i wonder if i'll push mine off in another 30 years because i'm still bitter. it's just a cycle i guess.

Danger Will Robinson, Danger

2005-02-16T20:25:00.000-05:00

you speak and i'm offered
i can't hold back what you've already taken away

i had therapy today for the first time in more than a month - i've negated barbara from my therapy list - never again - kathy said that's my choice reassuring me that she is there to stay - i told her i wasn't opening my mouth again to the subject- they think they can get your trust so easily - not mine, not again -

i have a great amount of work to do...but it's getting done, that's the good news - i know the library inside and out.

i got "Anatomy of the Spirit" today - explores some different religions and healing and things like that. I'm actually pretty interested in it and hope that it will provide some insight into developing my own spirituality - my therapist reccommended it for the second time - so we will see

t comes out with a new albumn next week!!!!!!!!!!! good good times - i think the book is already out but i haven't gotten the urge to get it yet - just the new tunes - new tour on the way, good road trips for sure -

gratitude list (i feel like i haven't done this in awhile):
I'm grateful for:
1. drinking regular coke at the moment
2. that i just talked to my grandparent's for awhile and they are doing well
3. that i've been awake since 4:30 but am suprisingly not tired

this is the tie that will bind us

2005-02-13T13:28:00.000-05:00

i watched Welcome to Sarajevo this weekend. i feel like there was so much there that i didn't know about or realize happening. the concentration camps that we again declared weren't happening but were definitely quite "alive" and occuring. this war in iraq and the war in the world - so many people fight for survival on a day-to-day basis and i was willing to give it all up by taking a handful of medication. i'm still thinking about that and the effect it has had on me. friggin gastric lavage. i still don't think it was necessary and have done so research into it and have found that it probably wasn't. the nurse told me the doctor ordered it so i wouldn't think of doing it again. pain in the ass.

kings, queens, aren't we all just jokers?

2005-02-10T14:33:00.000-05:00

i'm thouroughly pissed off. at 18 different people. none of it is any of there faults but regardless i am pissed. i'm honestly beginning to take a second, third, and fourth look at christianity. not only is it fucked up because of its past - friggin burning witches, converting indians, and missionaries that reform another's sacred culture. it all pisses me off - and i'm sick of hearing that i'm going directly to the torments of hell - i've been there actually - and while it's a painful place - it is survivable - i want to cover my ears sometimes and scream as loud as i can - i can't - i never have done that - not even as a child - i'd fucking sit there while kate bit me and marvel at the blood - and i'm pissed off at debbie because i told her!!!! i fucking told her and two days later i had to fucking leave and then she was like you gotta fucking tell barbara and what the fuck do i get from that????!!!! i fucking tell barbara and friggin 3 days later she resigns - i'm never fucking opening my mouth again - fuck them -

father lucifer, you've never looked so sane

2005-02-09T15:26:00.000-05:00

father lucifer you've never looked so sane....you always did prefer the drizzle to the rain...tell me that you're still in love with that milkmaid...how's the lizzies?...how's your jesus christ been hanging?....

stupid

2005-02-09T10:51:00.000-05:00

it's in the breath that we breathe
survival
it's in the choices that we make
survival
what are we doing it for and for whom

damn peoplekeys.com - interviewed today and had to do a "personality" assessment on something called peoplekeys. miserable questions to discover your values and beliefs. kinda reminded me of the mmpi test with 564 questions true and false. i like to tease animals - t or f. i wish i was a singer - t or f. i like to open doors - t or f. and bingo your personality is no longer hidden. friggin assessments.

it's running in the family, you know it is

2005-02-07T13:09:00.000-05:00

i wish i was techno-savvvy enough to put some music on here or some really cool pictures. eh maybe i just don't really care enough.

i'm boring today. slept on the bathroom floor for a couple hours last night then slept on my bedroom floor and finally slept in my own bed, i think. my sister called me today and said, "what do you think about the sweater idea" - i had no idea what she was talking about. appartantly she'd left me a message which i most likely deleted and then forgot about. why am i such a friggin lousy sister. i'm a friggin lousy friend too - sometimes i wish i didn't have them so that i wouldn't be able to be lousy to them.

if they knew, my parents would lock me away for good. no actually my mother would tell me i'm bored and my dad would leave. perfect friggin family. it isn't their faults blah blah blah. i just wish they'd accept a little damn responsibility. maybe that's just too much to ask for - too much out of the perfect zone.

i'm in a shitty mood today - sooo i'm off. i don't want to infect the world with my mood.

Just cause you feel it, doesn't mean it's there

2005-02-06T15:11:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna go to sleep

And let this wash all over me

We don't really want a monster taking over

Tip toeing, tying down

We don't want the loonies takin' over

Tip toeing, tying down our arms

i got in my car and fled...if i return, i know i hold no control over myself - it's funny - that the thing i do to gain a sort of control is the one thing i feel i can't control...how many people flee in their cars from themselves - when i returned, i had 4 shots of absolut and enough seraquel to keep me asleep for a good while. needless to say, i feel like shit today.

i memorize psalms in an attempt to bring a little distance between myself and my "best friend." he calls to me anyway. disrupts my concentration and i loose 4 verses from the strain of being. when i return to memorization it's all gone and i must begin again. i now understand the validity of the sacred vs the irresitable temptations.

i dreamt that my grandpa died last night. layed out on a table, kate and i tried to restore him by giving CPR. It seemed to work for awhile until i looked at his face and realized it was unrecognizable through the blood and flesh that absorbed him. kate and i turned around and left him there. i woke up at 4am out of breath from giving CPR.

it's weird. this college operates around the church schedule. library doesn't open till one on sunday because church doesn't get out till 12. the gym closes at 6:30 so people can attend vesper service. all people need to do is open their eyes a little and realize how messed up this campus really is. friggin frat parties. sometimes i hate this place. they operate around god, but god isn't here.

gratitude list:

i'm grateful:

1. that i drove here today with my sunroof open - happy spring day

2. that the friggin parking lot for my apt building is finally melting and i'm not getting stuck in it anymore

3. that i got most of my work done for classes

thank you mr. bush

2005-02-04T11:32:00.000-05:00

i think the nation's iq must have dropped about 10 points at the exact point bush was inagurated for the second time. it dropped 15 points the first time.

i woke up a friggin 6am this morning. i couldn't go back to sleep so i watched lord of the rings for a bit. it doesn't get light out till damn near 7:30. there is a good thing about getting up so early though, i had a lot of time to get work done. got almost one class done for this coming week.

i parked in an illegal space to get to the lab today. i don't understand what the big deal about parking is. why do we have so many cars but no place to park? i guess it's partly my fault, i could walk seeing as i only live a couple blocks away. but that's not the point.

gratitude list:
i'm grateful:
1. that it is sunny and warm and nice outside today
2. that i'm getting some work done
3. that i got a letter from my friend in the mail:)

Perhaps you're a phantom

2005-02-02T13:31:00.000-05:00

pressures receed to find ghosts

in this space of reality

whose image isn't masked

i couldn't get up today - it was one of those days where you literally have to force yourself up - and once you get up, you have to force yourself to move. damn meds, i'm developing a love hate relationship with them. woke up at 6 feeling pretty awful, slept on the bathroom floor for an hour, then went back to bed. I realized yesterday that without class, i could have virtually no interaction with people if i didn't want it. i could have slept on the bathroom floor till saturday.

i'm reading "Ishmael" now. I can't seem to get past the fact that he's a gorilla. Everytime i pick up the book, i don't want to read it anymore because he's a damned gorilla. Perhaps i discriminate against gorillas. I also think he's just a tad bit arogant (spelling?).

i found a cell phone in the parking lot today - i didn't even finish my cigarrette because i thought i was being some damn hero or something. It was frozen - poor kid whose cell phone it is, he's gonna have to microwave it.

off to do work for class - thank you blogger for being a great procrastination technique.

Time is just a memory

2005-02-01T17:45:00.000-05:00

i've got enough guilt to start, my own religion...

one of my therapists, barbara, invited me into her life today. it is interesting, as i see therapists as a sort of an empty notebook for me to fill. i've always wondered if they often want to scream, "I've got problems too!!!!" sometimes therapy is silly to me. it's about moving on, and letting go i guess. though it is so easy to say "I'm moving on" and not really do it. sometimes i think my baggage has gotten lost in an airport as i often don't know how to remember or where to find it.

"And i'm never going back, no way - on the floor, with my head in my hands - at your feet, this i swear, i have crawled my way back, i have crawled my back - and i am never going back, no way, to crucify myself." tori--
how many times must i crawl back through the past. the past is the past, but it seems to torture my present. so twice a week i step into the time machine and pull myself through memories. i usually make jokes about it, i usually hide the truth, and i try to engage the therapist in anything besides the past. sometimes i wonder what it is good for then. it is my fault, and i acknowledge that - i fully accept it - though i wish i could have some company in that.

gratitude list:
i'm grateful:
1. for music - i'm addicted to tom waits currently and tori always
2. for books - a permitted escape
3. for peanut butter and jelly - without it i may starve

There's no Mountain too great

2005-01-30T18:14:00.000-05:00

almost forgot the gratitude list
here it is:
i'm grateful:
1. that i'm being productive today and finishing assignments!
2. that i made it through last night
3. that i had brownies and diet coke for breakfast

Maybe there's a light that's always on

2005-01-30T18:06:00.000-05:00

Life is something

set to music

i can hear it

when i'm sad

it's odd the times the past chooses to come back for you. i was doing crunches at the gym and then poof there it was. picture after picture after picture, like an endless slide show that persists until you stop and realize what it is. i don't consider that the past haunts us, instead i think it is a reminder of who we are, where we've been, and where we can go. i watched "the butterfly effect" and while the movie isn't great, the concept is an intriguing one. Change one little thing in your past and the result could be entirely different. It really makes you consider the decisions you make on a day-by-day basis. If i spend my time sleeping instead of writing, will that alter my future? i don't know. i don't think i would change anything, though i do think if i had the power, curiousity would get the best of me and I would eventually change something. If i had gone to Lycoming College instead of this one, where would i be right now? It's pretty heavy stuff.

If you lived here, you'd be home

2005-01-29T18:26:00.000-05:00

where do we go when we just don't know

and how do we relight the flame when it's cold

why do we dream when our thoughts mean nothing

and when will we learn to control

gratitude list for the t:

I'm grateful:

1. that i slept last night

2. for my friends

3. that i have the ability to do pretty much what i want to do

medication update - after a week of no sleep and fights with rite aid and the doctor, i finally got some samples of my meds yesterday. i slept last night but woke up at 6:30 this morning. still, 7 hours of sleep is better than 3.

split a piece of wood and i am there, lift a stone and you will find me. i think while the movie is a little dramatic, stigmata has some good messages. very mystic.

i don't have much to write about today - finished "By the Light of my Fathers Smile" last night. Not my favorite book but it does have it's purpose.

i'm flat out of diet coke today. i lost my giant eagle card so for now i'm drinking 20 ouncers. I gotta go to the store and see if i can get a new one.

cheers

Are you flying?

2005-01-28T01:50:00.000-05:00

tori amos has this way of putting a trance over you. i'm listening to one of the new songs, Sleeps with Butterflies, and i can't get enough of it. It doesn't matter if it's the first or the twenty-sixth time you've listened to it - it can still impose this...this state i guess, over you. incredible. she is talented, friendly to her fans, and generously donates money to RAINN which she began. the new tour season is approaching and i'm looking forward to as many front row seats as i can get. hail tori.

i went cross country skiing today. i love skiing. i wish it were a little warmer, but still it is good snow for skiing and so i'm using every ounce of decreasing energy i have to go.

the medication still hasn't come through. In the course of all of the hospitalizations and doctors and therapists, i've genuinely learned to despise the insurance companies. shouldn't we all be able to have access to the medical care and medication that we need? i watched people in the hospital who were a danger to other people be released because their insurance wouldn't cover anymore days. it doesn't make sense. economics and health care are two separate issues. i sometimes wonder how those people sleep at night - probably with their well funded medication. damn them.

on the flip side, i did finish Prince Caspian last night and moved on to "West with the Night" by (forgive my spelling) Beryl Markhem. Truly an amazing story and written so poetically. Marhem was the first person to fly east to west across the atlantic ocean. By far, a powerful achievement, but what i think is more compelling is where she came from to get there.

well it's cheerio's and smirnoff for me tonight- yummm dinner -

cheers

Happy BlogDay

2005-01-26T04:32:00.000-05:00

Surgeon General's Warning: Writer has had limited amounts of sleep over the past 5 days!

happy birthday to my blog. also born on this day, well demonstrated on this day, was the first television system. the word of the day is redaction...try to figure that one out, here's a hint...i've had to do some redaction on this blog already!

i've had quite the day today. it started off quite early. i finally was able to sleep around 6:30 and woke up at around 9:30. After that I spent a couple hours on the phone begging the doctor or nurse or whoever i could talk too for a prescription that they think i already have. they are indeed wrong. after that i got real motivated and went to the gym where i precisely was reminded again of how horribly out of shape i am. it is quite embarrasing when the 60 year old lady on the stair stepper next to yours is cheering you on. There was some gory(sp?) happenings this afternoon followed by a great grad class. After 3 continous nights of classes, i am ready for 4 days of homework...sigh.

my therapist thinks it's a good idea for me to keep a list of things i am grateful for about today.
so here it is:
i am grateful:
1. that my car didn't get totally stuck in the unplowed parking lot.
2. that tori posted her tour dates for april
3. that the sun was shining part of today
and finally
4. that tomorrow i'll be buying tickets to go to TEXAS :)

i am reading three books right now, "Prince Caspian" by C.S. Lewis, "By the light of my father's smile" by Alice walker, and "Creativity: The Pschology of Creative Flow" (or something like that)...my addiction at this moment is Prince Caspian -the adventures are amazing and descriptive - you feel like you are sitting in the castle with Lucy, Susan, Edmund, and Peter - C.S. Lewis was truly gifted -

i had this really great vision last night- i was standing outside at 5am getting some "fresh air" and noticed the snow melting off of a car that was parked out there. Ordinarily, this doesn't seem so exciting, but literally chunks of big snow were falling off this car - it kind of reminded me of...well people - you see we are hiding underneath this snow - and sometimes we let it melt off when people are around, but most times we do it in those quiet moments, i.e. 5am. Anyway, maybe it was the lack of sleep, but it just seemed kind of neat to watch and think about.

cheers