enormous baby steps...

it has been about a year now since sharon - well a year ago i would have been at about the hardest place in my life - am i frozen there now? am i willing that step? or am i making that step through force....is there a difference? she still exists inside me somewhere....buried beneath bows and ribbons....she still screams....i just don't allow her to communicate it to you.....because underneath it all she knows that you know.....but she's going to be the one to tell you that...i want to say that things are swell and that moving and having a job has fixed me....has transformed me....but i'm still her, just a little more busy is all....and sometimes i wonder if i still am her for some unknowable reason to me to have a problem - am i creating this to have a wound - to be wounded so that i don't have to be perfect? - for revenge? so that after all the less of mother growing up can somehow put a burden upon her so that she will know that she hurt me? is that fair?? do i care? do i forgive these people and him and HIM and just let it go? it is a kind of forgiveness that i do not want to be a part of because when i feel like i say "i forgive you" that at the same time i'm condoning the act -

ashamed of it all....

i'm so ashamed and so sickened by what is going on in our country right now. there is no one to blame except us as americans, myself included. no one is going to the aide of these people in new orleans and mississippi. they are dying and being left to die in the streets. what hurts me the most is when i see the videos of the elderly...people who can't take care of themselves and don't have others to look after them....babies at least have a chance....elderly people are left with no water and no food with temperatures in the 90s? it is not right - it makes me so sad and angry because i know how easily any of those could be my grandparents....and if i had to see a video of my grandmother dead in a wheelchair with a blanket covering her, pushed away off the street...i'd be devastated. there is no reason for this suffering, it has been five days, over one hundred hours and still there is no relief. We as americans, or Bush, can send troops into Iraq but yet we can't defend our own citizens? we can't protect them? damn bush....he must be making a buttload of money off of this...gas has rose .50 cents a gallon. I looked at statistics and found that in america we use around 714 million gallons of oil a day (that is sickening in itself)...but with the price increase of fifty cents, it means that somewhere somebody, or a bunch of somebodies, is making around an extra 357 million dollars a day. - why can't that money be given to the people of louisana or mississippi? why doesn't anyone federally seem to have a friggin clue about what is going on in this nation?? - these pictures and videos are so disturbing - i know that we stupid americans are so spoiled and don't even understand what suffering is - but i think that is because we are able to help ourselves and i don't understand why we aren't doing that now -

the flaming lips

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!! Benefits and salary and it's what i want to do!!! today has been one of the best days since I've moved to the 'burgh. My doctors finally came through with my medications too so I can sleep again!! yay :)

the pictures and videos from the hurricane damage are frightening - it seemed to level and destroy everything in it's path or else drown it with flood waters...

I helped to facilitate the freshmen orientation on sunday at school - it seemed weird because i felt so old even with only being an alumni for two years - it's odd how time passes and you don't seem to notice it unil there is a distant marker that can remind you of the present

keep your fingers crossed

today is my second interview with for the adventure based counseling position at the drug and alcohol center. it's at 2pm and takes about an hour to get there so i gotta get ready pretty soon. I'm really nervous. I need this job and I know that I can do it and that I will love it. It's totally what I want to do...i just gotta convince them of that. keep your fingers crossed for me.

fire thought she wanted to be water instead

well i'm moved in pretty much....i like it here - the neighborhood is nice...roommate is great...friends are around...yet something still is pulling me somewhere else...i do horrible during this times of adjustment...and i'm freaking out that i'm going to freak out again which only makes me freak out more - crazy..........

so i went to church with some friends last night - i know - me, church? but it's true - i did go. I went a few weeks ago with them as well only during the sunday service and not the saturday night thing - i was so nervous, i thought i was going to fall out of my chair - i really dunno what held me there...then the double nerves came when i realized they do the whole communion thing on saturdays too - i went up but shook my head at the communion and just took a blessing - hey there's a first time for everything right? though shaking my head just labeled me as being non christian or unbaptised or both - which is what i am...but i think i was just about the only one who didn't take it - oh well. anyway after that there was a dinner thing - it was great - i love hanging out with these two friends because i feel so well cared for - i think that is kind of a stupid reason to want to hang out with someone but it's the truth - i feel totally worthy in their presence - i don't know - it's kinda cool -

today was spent doing odds and ends sort of stuff - went grocery shopping, walked to barnes and noble for the paper, made a list of jobs to contact for tomorrow and things to do - nothing to exciting - but its good to have a schedule, gives me a reason to get up -

Where troubles melt like lemon drops....

some excitement on the homefront. i think i found a place to live and it's in pittsburgh! :) yay. Also I'm going in for an interview at a treatment center for an adventure based counseling position. Can life get any better? indeed it can :)

i'm feeling pretty good lately - and that is awesome. I don't know when I have felt better about myself and what i am supposed to be doing in this world. it is amazing how much better one can feel when one has nowhere to go but up. I talked to my old therapist yesterday - and i think i pretty much shocked them all when i walked in and was happy. They were really proud of me and it just made me feel pretty proud of myself too -

now it is time to do some more papers so i can get my master's!!!

sweeeeeeeeeettttt day

today rocked my socks off. we did a staff training and we were in the air for 3 hours! it was awesome - i did the entire 12 ft course - i was so exhausted after i took a nap for a couple hours - but it was a great day - lots of games and fun and no limit testing kids!! :) sweet!!!

well i'm currently in contact with a place near pittsburgh about a job. cross your fingers for me as i really need something at this point. about 12 more days till i get ejected from my apartment- it is scary in a way because i feel so far away from where i was last year at this time but i understand how quickly i can return to that if i let myself - so i'm trying to stay on the positive :) YAY! - lots of work to do that i'm having trouble finding the motivation to complete but I'm sure it will get done - it usually does - i'm thinking that if i don't get this job i may take a break and do some traveling - it would be great to take some time to go visit friends that i haven't seen in awhile - fun stuff -